DO THEY THINK WE'RE STUPID?

Oh! These human beings! You know, I often wonder how it is they became to be deemed as the intelligent species of life in Earth?

Just because they can talk audibly and are bipeds by walking upon two legs and what have you . I mean, we may not walk but by God, we could out-swim them any-day! And we CAN talk! Is it our bloody fault that no-one else can
understand us?

I was reading one of the supplements, as you do, from a Sunday tabloid the other day, on Sunday as it happens and, I read this article that pertained to my kind, you know, dolphins and all that, so, being a dolphin and being interested in things about my species, I thought I`d read it through, find out a bit like . .

Anyway, the article in question was about a human couple who were out snorkeling, if you ever did, in the sea, the Red Sea as it happens. Why ever they’d want to go snorkeling is beyond me, isn’t it easier to just hold your breath like we do?. Anyway, the whole article concerned a dolphin whose name was Cindy and let me tell you, he
WAS`NT a girl! He was a HE!

Whatever was wrong with his parents, poor lad? Or could it have been those damned humans again, forgotten how to tell the difference between male and female, I ask ya? I find it increasing difficult to see how they managed to perpetuate their own species given their lack of obvious biological knowledge. It’s amazing that someone saw fit that they should be crowned the intelligent species? I dunno what the world is coming to! Anyway, Cindy, yes he’s still he and he’s definitely a bloke, just ask my sister, she used to swim with the fella.

Well, Cindy (I can’t help but laugh, poor fella!) No, Cindy apparently saved the life of this fella who got himself into difficulties in the sea because the water as a little wet, no, even humans aren’t that stupid, are they? No, the water was choppy that day and, might I stress, if it had not been for Cindy’s quick, intelligent and instinctive thinking, the poor fella would have undoubtedly have drowned. Can’t see what all the fuss was about meself, us dolphins are having to do this kind of thing all the time but then I reckon everyone should learn to swim and I thought everyone could swim but obviously they can’t. You’d never see a dolphin who couldn’t swim, that’s what we’re taught, in school, at an early age. . .

Now that’s all very well and good but then, and the point I have to make, the article goes on too patronise Cindy and other dolphins like her, sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant him. They say things like “. . .by a miracle the dolphin knew the guy was in trouble . .” and that really aggravates me, it gets right up by blowhole! As if we’re stupid or something, I mean, credit us with some common sense. We DO have our own minds and let’s face it, the dolphins brain is bigger by far than the average human beings brain anyway, so matey, who’s the nerd now? Nothing to do with, mate, miracles!

Anyway, the point is, we’re not stupid and I resent the fact, the very thought that humans think we are stupid! Of course we can think! Of course we can spot danger and, we have an added advantage, two advantages in fact.

One is our extra-sensory supersonic senses. Ha! Ha! Bet you wish you had some of `em? See, distress, of all natures, gives off some very bad vibes, ultrasonically so to speak, and we have the technology, no, the capability to pick up these ultra sonic waves easily and so much much easier in water as the water seems to be so much more conducive when pertaining to such things, in other words for you simple humans to understand, ultrasonic waves travel better in water, like electricity, I could tell you a story about electricity and water that involved a very big shark but I won’t go into that
now.

We know when a human is in trouble, apart from their usual whining and screaming for their mummies it is as our natural instincts convey and as peace loving mammals (I just thought I put that little fact in that we are mammals too, like you, but that we are peace loving also, unlike you silly B****s!) who find that life is very sacred, to help a fellow mammal in distress is completely natural and that’s why Cindy went to this guy’s aid in the Red Sea.

Secondly, unlike humans, we are not afraid to get involved. Everyday in the newspapers that have been flushed into the sea, one read news of varied violent episodes occurring and no-one does anything to help those in strife because they are so afraid of the consequent consequences which sometimes occur and I can understand why, intelligence; Humans in charge are pathetic.

I’ve seen it all too often. A woman say, is getting mugged or something and a fella goes to help and ultimately bashes the offender then gets arrested himself for assaulting the would be assailant. So just where is the justice?

However, dolphins don’t do that. Yes we do think rationally at first, let our thoughts wander but they work to a faster degree than humans and weigh up the pro’s and cons of a situation, computing the facts more rapidly but, the result is usually the same, we do still get involved and help anyone with no concern for our own safety at any margin and it’s aftermath because we just say “bugger the consequences” and on with the show unless of course they happen to be sharks, I mean, big sharks like “Jaws” or someone so, no joy there for NatWest there then . . .

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is this; It does not mean that it is a miracle of any description to see us go into action, to anyone’s aid if they are in any kind of strife. It doesn’t take great strides of the imagination to realise when trouble is abound, that a person or creature needs help from whatever quarter.

Yes we’ve helped creatures too, from turtles to even killer whales or Orca`s as they prefer to be known. Yes, even they can get into trouble too. Usually being beached when they’ve nipped up to the shore for snack of seals on a beach and found they’ve gone too far. We`ve managed to get some rope, usually from some old wreck, and chucked it up the beach to the Orca who then has grabbed it in his big gob and we’ve pulled them off the beach and back into the sea, so you see, we ain`t just pretty faces and these are the things you humans would see as miracles I suppose.

Blimey, you lot are gonna be easy to please. This is the stuff that doesn’t get reported in your newspapers, is it? No, never a bleedin` hack around when there’s real news occurring. You’d have us jumping through hoops and catching balls in pools and dolphinariums around the world and think because we do what we’re told like that, that we’re stupid. Not so! I mean, just think about it. Look at the perks we get for a couple of hours entertaining a day. A lovely warm pool, all the fish you can eat and loads of girls, female dolphins, and I can tell the difference, whayy-hayy! We are only mammals after all! Tell me, would you be stupid enough to act like a moronic fool for a couple of hours a day, like a clown and get those kind of wages? `Course you would, and don’t say you wouldn’t. Two hours of work a day and the rest of the day off to swim around with the girls and all of `em lovely and `erhum, ready . . .

No, going back to what I was saying afore about helping other creatures and humans, what if Cindy had actually thought about what she, oops, sorree, HE, was doing before taking the action that he did? That poor guy would now be fish food on the sea bed and probably too the woman who initially went to his aid as well.

And what of his poor wife? She praised us so much, at least praised Cindy; she felt so helpless, she said it was a miracle, silly moo, but then, if not for us and Cindy, she’d have been a widow now, wouldn’t she?

And it has be to be said, what thanks we do we really get? You let those bleedin` Japanese and Norwegians do whatever they like in the sea to us and our cousins, the whales. There they are, catching us all in nets and things, killing us, man, and eventually you know, you’ll destroy our entire species. Where will your bloody ecology be then?

I lost two of my brothers last year, they were fishing in the Indian Ocean on their holidays when some schmuck, supposedly out netting tuna, caught my brothers in their nets. They both tried to struggle free but couldn’t, they saw the humans and thought they were safe. Those humans could have freed them so I’m told but instead of trying to rescue them they just shot them.

Apparently, the two of `em ended up in some Japanese restaurant as the main course for those barbarians who choose to eat such graceful creatures as we are. (Well, I’ve got to pump up the PR image a bit, ain`t I?) We held a memorial service for them, that’s all we could do. Why are you looking so amazed? We have vicars too y`know, we believe in God too, admittedly he has fins and a sleek grey body and a beautiful blowhole but we believe in His Supremeness. I mean, we are civilised, much more than humans are I think and I`ll bet we are too. For instance, we wouldn’t of dream of eating you so why you lot want to eat us is beyond me, I just can’t fathom your logic, not seeing as we have one of the most important jobs on the planet and that’s keeping you lot alive, ecology mate, that’s what it’s all about!

And what about all this rubbish in the oceans? Don’t you know it’s damaging our environment? We wouldn’t chuck our rubbish in your back garden or in your house, on your front room carpet, so,why the hell do you chuck yours in ours? It’s not a nice thing to do don’t you know? There’s nothing worse than waking up on a morning and being hit by a flotilla of oily and toxic debris that looks as if it’s been defecated from you a*****s! Ugh! It ain`t a pleasant thought is it? So just you think of what we have to put up with when you next think of flushing your loo, ask your local authority where it all goes, tell `em, the dolphins don’t want it right! Get a change in legislation, make it a crime . . .

We are intelligent creatures. We don’t drive cars to get around like you lot, we don’t need to; I can get to 0-60 in 1.6 seconds from a standing start. I`d love to see one of your expensive Ferrari’s do that! We don’t use telephones, again, we don’t need to. I can talk to Mum easily and she lives off the Florida Keys (she’s retired there) and I am on the other side of the Great Barrier Reef currently so who needs a whole bunch of cumbersome cables or a scientific influx of progress with satellites etc. Because of this `perception` we can find out most of what we know, it doesn’t cover everything so we have to read magazines and newspapers etc. But it did let me know what happened to my brothers by way one of their mates who was on holiday with them, they were doing an expose` programme, `Indian Ocean uncovered`. . .

Everything about us is natural and most effective too. We don’t need to diet because we don’t get fat. Maybe we don’t have great scientists in our midst or mathematicians or playwrights or poets. (I must interject here and say a big thank you to tc moon. for conducting this interview and interpreting this narration, you know, he could so easily be a dolphin, crap as a human but a great dolphin, if only he had the body for it . . .) Besides which, none of us who have taken, and passed I might add, our exams, never had to leave school after. (Gettit? Ha! Ha! There is a joke in there somewhere, oh if only you humans were clever enough to understand it . . ) Oh well, never mind! No, I passed all my exams easily, mind you, they ain`t like the exams you lot take. Yes, I probably could do your daughter’s homework tho` I hardly think the teacher would understand it! Still, if you had a Frenchman do your daughter’s homework for her, the teacher probably wouldn’t understand that either unless he or she spoke French of course! C` est la vie!

Or something like that! How many of you, may I ask, speak dolphin? See, my point exactly. tc is about the only human we`ve ever come across who can, thus far, tho` I have to say, he`s still got a hell of a lot to learn. However, I hope I've made my point crystal, so, do you still think we`re stupid? And anyway, I happen to be a doctor . . . I hope this proves we`re not all as stupid as you may think, well, Ive got to go now, I`m starring in a book that tc is writing and I am the star. I just hope they make it into a film, then I can be a big big star . . . see you all soon, bye.

Sebastian (Dr.)

(Interview took place at Sebastian`s request and was conducted by tc moon
at the SeaWorld complex in Florida. Sebastian received no payment for this
interview so We gave the tip to a charity, don’t swim where sharks are . . .

The motivation for Sebastian`s comments came from his source The “YES”
magazine from the Sunday tabloid The People which appeared 5th October
1997.)
© tcmoon 2011